Finding Myself

I always had this fear embedded in me that everyone around me would eventually leave me.

Which is the reason why I always keep my thoughts to myself; too scared that if I told the person about it, he would find it too much too soon to handle and leave.

I have always tried to be on my best behavior as well. Ensuring that I only ever put my best foot forward – meaning to keep my attitude in check and ensuring that I do not mess up anything.

Everything that I have done was to make everyone around me happy – everyone but me.

There comes a time when you get tired of holding on – of trying to please everyone else instead of yourself. When everything gets too hard to keep up, too hard to hold onto. When your resolve starts to break and you just want an out from your head.

I have lost myself along the way by trying to constantly please everyone around me. I’ve grown to be more dependent on people, because I was constantly thinking about how everything I do would affect them. I have lost my feisty touch, my fire. I have also lost myself by always having too high of an expectation and hope for the people around me.

At the start of the year, I told myself to lower my expectations and learn to put myself first. Eight months into the year and here I am, in a place worse than before. I have truly lost all sense of what makes me and I am tired.

Find someone whom you are comfortable with. Who you know will never leave you for showing your true self. Who will stick by you and continue to fight for you. Someone who will never allow you to lose yourself, and who will fight for you if you do.

I am tired of giving my 100% to someone else and have it not reciprocated back. Leaving everything familiar is so difficult but you have to step out of the box to grow. If you are suffocating in a non growing box, maybe it is time to break out of it. If you are putting yourself second, don’t. You are the most important person in your own life.

If you don’t put yourself first, who would?

“Do not be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please others.” My mom told me that and it has never rang so true to me as now.

People come and go but you are here to stay.

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On the constant search for her eyes, and food to fill up her perpetually empty belly.

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